The Big Blow Out

The first night you get all to yourself (and a few others down the line in the foreseeable future), are likely to result in you going completely off the rails. I mean really going off the rails…It’s not your fault, it really isn’t. Yes, you’re still a responsible parent, yes, you still love your new baby and yes, you would never ordinarily behave like this… except you’ve just become a dad, and that, without a shadow of a doubt, is the most profound thing in the world. So understand right away that you will end up going out on the piss; you will get hammered and you will feel better for it; but most importantly, the main thing to ensure is that your spectacular double-pike fall off the wagon is nowhere near the residence of your partner and your child.

As much as we do believe that we handled the birth of our child with the candour and good grace of a saint, we didn’t. OK, on the surface we might have been as cool as they come, interacted well with the midwife and generally got on with all involved – not to mention the absolute joy of seeing our first-born, born. But that said, it was a shock to the system – the blood, the tears, the sweat, (the poo!) the painful close-up of your partner’s fanny exposed to the world and stretched beyond all recognition…. It has left us scarred and upset.

For some, the opportunity presents itself within a week or so of the birth, for others, myself included, it could be over a year later, but I promise you, it will happen, and it may be during the most unexpected of events… I’m talking about the get-together of friends, the ‘let’s meet up for a few beers’ event that invariably leads to total and utter carnage…